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Arcade  [nederlands]

One piece from my teenage diary:
"When we were in the park at the Stedelijk: COLOSSAL!! A kind of Roman columned building and a very beautiful large weeping willow, stars in a cloudless sky and... the most beautiful of all: Teun (and i, not to be forgotten). But everything comes to an end, unfortunately. He's leaving on Monday, i don't know where, or until when, but since i'm not allowed to leave anymore, i won't be able to see him anytime soon, so it's not that bad. Isn't it!?
I was home at a quarter past four in the morning. I dreamed and am still dreaming. I now know one thing: i love Teun, i really do."

Maybe i shouldn't bash my much younger self. It's all a bit pathetic, but for a deeply in love and hopelessly romantic 16-year-old girl, this isn't too bad. Before that, there was a love scene in the café we both frequented, and then - only a month or two later - a piece follows in which i write about love and security with a seriousness that i didn't remember feeling that way.
Anyway, the arcade.

I took the attached photo from maps, and there is clearly a fence in the colonnade on the left in the park. I don't remember there used to be a gate, and if there was, it was always open; apparently not anymore.
Probably sometime soon after this courtship, i went there alone at night. I had to go home, but i didn't want to. It wasn't cold, at most a little chilly at night. My friends had already gone home, i had stayed longer and now everything was closed. I decided to go to the arcade, where i could sit somewhat quietly, i thought, and under cover.

It was quiet on the street, about three o'clock now. The gate was closed but not locked, the gravel crunched so i walked at the edges so it wouldn't alarm anyone. The light of the lanterns shone slightly in the colonnade, a grand, open on one side, but covered structure that resembled a corridor with large Roman pillars on one side and an old wall on the other. The soft lantern light and the large weeping willow tree nearby made it pleasant - not too bright, and not too dark. I sat down, using my book bag as a buffer between me and the cold floor, after taking out my notebook and pen. I had to write!

Within about ten minutes someone came into the small park. A man who seemed to be walking his dog, but i had the feeling that he was using that as an excuse to see what was going on. He asked me if everything was okay, and i said yes, trying to ignore him. However, he remained standing, and said that the arcade is not intended to sleep there. I said that i was not sleeping, but writing, and trying to continue writing, or at least pretend, because a strange man standing there looking at you is not really helpful during narrative activities, especially not when it in the middle of the night, somewhere in a rich white people's garden.

Eventually he left, but i was afraid he would call the police, so i left a little later. Off to the station then, and hoping that i would be left alone there.
That went well. One station person looked at me a bit bewildered, but i ignored him and pretended i was just walking from one side to the other, and when he was out of sight i walked back and rushed up the stairs to platform 1. At the far edge just under the canopy, there was a bench where i settled: again that book bag under my butt, against the cold steel.
And again i attempted to write.

text continues below the drawing
Drawing in ink and color pencil of two people in an Roman arcade, and a weeping willow.

Writing always seems to help me. Not so much as an outlet, but more the activity itself, thinking, trying out, deleting and writing again: somehow it gives me peace and stability. During several difficult periods it has gotten me back on my feet, and always just when i was completely down and out, as if it only occurred to me at the last moment that i still had that, when i had nothing else or no one left.
In recent years, so many people have disappeared from my life, and every time i decided: when there is no one left, i can still write. And so it happened: this website was created at the end of 2022 from a completely desperate period, when i thought: there is hardly anyone left - start writing, writing, writing!

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DateTime: 2024 apr 16, 15:16 CET
LatestEdit: 2024 apr 24, 15:15 CET
Author: Mulder

Tags:
 arcade
 love
 park
 weeping willow
 writing

Categorieën:
 Characters: Teun
 Locations: Stedelijk Gymnasium, Haarlem
 Stories: Arcade

© 2023 hannah celsius