Forward, forward, forward. Up the paths, the yesyesyes we know, and i just have to keep walking and keep going and forward forward forward. In the morning i had woken up way too early and hadn't been able to sleep any further, now it was somewhere between eight and nine and i was trying to walk like a peewit, at least pretend to be. Lovely such a walk between all the greenery (too bad about those cars) and some fresh air (too bad about those cars), when the legs would cooperate a bit.
And so i struggled on, and the struggle slowly turned into a soft walker's intoxication, the kind that only reveals itself after half an hour, but then it gets nice. No pain for a while, no effort, just the cadence of walking and a kind of unification with the environment and ...
No, i became one with nothing or no one. That privilege is reserved for many others, I hope you enjoy it. Not that you need my wishes for that, that was already very clear to me for a long time, thank you very much.
My privilege, however, is invisible, and manifests itself in various forms.
Now everyone has a shadow, if there is enough light and contrast. I have that too. But there is another, more fleeting shadow, and i have not yet found out what it consists of. Am i being followed by a ghost, another being, some entity, something outside of me, or is it me?
Sometimes in the evening, when it is dark, something shoots through the hallway. A fleeting dark bolt, when i look it's always just gone. I did sometimes look for it anxiously, all the lights on, but no, nothing.
Mouches, i thought, they are just mouches, but despite its presence, they also turned out not to be responsible for the shadow escapist.
I had never encountered it outdoors, but now, during this morning walk, i was apparently considered fit enough to get acquainted.
I walked here, the sun had disappeared behind the clouds, in short there was no possibility of shadow, and yet next to me, in the bushes, i saw a kind of shadow walking next to me. Every time i looked it vanished into thin air. As if they wanted me to see it, but just not enough to be sure about it.
That happened about three or four times. There was no one else walking there at the time. I decided it was bullshit. I had to go on, on and on, and when i arrived at the end of the path i looked behind me and into the foliage. Nothing. Yet i continued to feel the shape. Like a little cloud it lingered behind my right shoulder and no matter how i straightened my back, rearranged my bag, counted my steps, it stayed there until i got used to it.
In the store they started talking. Softly, very softly, and that's not smart of course, to do that next to my cloudy ear, but the sound didn't come through my ear but differently, and the words weren't words but a sense of speech, a way of communicating that i had never experienced before and so i had no idea what it was or what it was about at all.
Was this myself? Then it was very strange, because why had i never heard or experienced that before.
Was it another? But then who, or what? A ghost can be anything or anyone. Is it the devil, did i invoke it accidentally or perhaps accidentally on purpose, and has it now permanently settled in me, alongside me. Or is it the spirit of a deceased, who still couldn't find peace, and now finds me a suitable sparring partner. The most plausible seems to me they would be an alien, who will come to humanity through me – and probably many others… to… yes, what? Repopulate? I don't know how that works, although i have to say i've been feeling rather bloated lately. However, it seems to me that reproduction is also completely different from what we are used to. I mean: if you're already walking in the shadows, the sex will also be different, let alone the delivery, if it takes place physically anyway. Maybe one day i will open my mouth and BWAAAAAAAAAAAAP a dark cloud will come out, very small, without effort and without sound, it will quickly move away, because as an alien you don't want to be around a human for too long of course . It's hard enough already.