Indexer

1. After the party.

It was sometime in the afternoon, we were tired and warm from dancing, the night had only just ended.
“Fuck, that was a fun night!”
Manza staggered off the couch in a confused look.
Where were we anyway? It looked like a castle hall, with cold stone floors and stairs, large heavy paneled doors.
We wanted food, and drinks. I felt like having ice cream, with cherry sauce and whipped cream, preferably plant-based of course, far too many animals had already been killed and there was no need for more because of my luxury needs.

In a corner of the hall stood something that looked like an altar, a mountain of pink tulle was draped over it. Why?
Our footsteps echoed through the cold space. Manza disappeared through one of the many doors that opened onto the hall. The closer i got to the altar, the more something seemed to be hidden under the tulle. A black round shape slowly became visible, like a seal in deep sleep.
I touched it very carefully, and a shiver went through the body, or whatever it was.
I saw no head.
The tulle was provided with a stretchy, decorated band halfway around the shape, like a skirt or trousers. I gently pulled the material into the shape i thought it should have, and indeed, it was an enormous skirt that was stretched around the body.
There was no noticeable breathing movement. No sound either, nothing.
I walked cautiously around the beautifully carved altar. Scenes that seemed to come from the Bible were carved into the wood. On the other side i expected to find a face or eyes or a snout on the black shape, but there was nothing to be seen there either.
It looked like a Barbapapa, or Barbabenno then, because it was not that big, and black (was that Barbabenno? Or Barbabella?). But they had faces, and eyes.
What was this?
Was the head on the other side, was the skirt on the wrong side?

On this side of the altar was a scene of barely covered women, their curves so lush – i ran my hand over them, it felt wonderfully cool and tempting, i wanted to lick them but that didn’t seem like a good idea until i knew where i was, and with whom (or what) on the altar.
I draped the tulle from the bottom up, and… had i expected a tail, or legs, or a nondescript Barbapapamama hill?

2. Primal feelings.

What do you expect anyway, when you look under someone's skirts?
And what if that person isn't a person, but an indefinable life form? What can you expect there?

Maybe because a somewhat chaste skirt was pulled over it, i expected some kind of a genital organ.
At the same moment that i understood that it was a black hole i was staring into, that this was the end of me and perhaps also a new beginning of my existence, in whatever capacity, i was swallowed and woke up.

Gawd, what kind of dream was this? I've had a lot of strange dreams, but this... How does the brain come to something like this? The feeling of being swallowed up: how can your brain know what that feels like, without ever having experienced it? Or is it a universal secret in our collective brain, a primal feeling from long ago, transferred from death to birth to death to new lives again, an endless undulating tide of being and non-being, of coming and going. The similarity with a number of other dreams was striking: the one where i was a second, or the other one, where i was catapulted from my bed into a corner of the room, spinning faster and faster until i landed back in bed with a bang and woke up, completely entangled in the sheets - so much so that it seemed as if i had actually physically spun around. Terrifying.

Less remarkable was that i had dreamed about Manza again. No matter how hard i tried to concentrate on other things, of course i suddenly came across him in a split second of an Instagram video of someone i had no idea there could be a connection with. Immediately my anger and sadness flared up again. And then such a dream, in which there is nothing going on, the sun is shining, the party is going on everywhere and okay, a strange incident on an altar but that wasn't his fault. Or was it a harbinger of even more drama? To be honest, i really had enough of it.

The phone rang, and because of my morning drowsiness i was confused for a moment, but it turned out to be the GP's assistant asking if i wanted to be examined after all and i agreed, even though i immediately regretted it. But postponing it wasn't good either, so well, there was that. I hoped that my body had magically decided to do better than expected.

4. Disarray.

What it was: nobody knew. At least, that's how it was presented in all media. Experts were approached, authorities questioned, everything as it always goes, many spokespeople from all kinds of departments, organizations, foundations and schools swore that they didn't know what phenomenon had overwhelmed us. Because that's how i could best describe it: overwhelming, frightening, overwhelmed.

Here in Europe we had been somewhat lucky, that it was broad daylight when it happened; the rescue, help and searching of everything that was in ruins got going a lot faster than elsewhere in the world. There were a lot more people sleeping in the dark areas, and here more people were outside and already on their feet - that will certainly explain the higher number of victims in the dark parts of our Earth at that time.

Nevertheless, the Bang had caused enormous damage here too. Many high-rise buildings in particular had been seriously damaged: many flats had collapsed in the hours that followed, which also greatly increased the risk for emergency services. And here too, of course, there were many victims. Everyone was in an uproar, everywhere disarray, shock, disbelief, sadness.
And then especially the biggest question: what on earth was it?

When something happens, you are of course never immediately aware of the scale on which it has taken place. Here in the neighbourhood, where there are mainly low-rise buildings, the damage was not too bad; windows were smashed here and there, cars appeared to be out of order, the electricity grid had failed... we thought it was an unexpectedly large lightning strike. A neighbour suggested that it might have been caused by a fighter jet flying too low - we had those flying over the roof quite often here.
My windows were all still intact, maybe because i had just opened everything up to air it out. I was sitting behind my laptop with a cup of tea, cataloguing some stuff... as usual, really. Because my laptop was charged, i didn't notice the power was off at first. The wifi did go down, though, and the internet was gone. I walked into the back garden, initially, to see if anything else was wrong. I heard someone screaming, in high pitched tones, but i had no idea which house it was coming from. I felt something was wrong, and quickly went inside to put on my shoes; something was severely wrong, and i had no clue why i felt that. It was like goosebumps, something i sometimes feel when i'm close to a stranger - no idea why either, but all i can think is: something's wrong here, get out of here.
Just a month ago i had prepared myself somewhat for emergencies: stockpiled food and water, first aid supplies, cooking supplies, purification tablets, that sort of thing. After asking around i found out that it was best to stockpile one for home, then a rolling suitcase (i had nothing else) in case i had to be evacuated, and then a backpack with the bare essentials, a radio, the first aid kit and some tools.
So i strapped on my backpack, switched off everything and closed and locked it, grabbed a pack of water and went into the neighborhood. Maybe the neighbors knew more, or i could offer help somewhere.

5. Where to?

Apologies for not giving any updates for a long time.
Quite a few things have happened, my laptop has broken down in the meantime, and i could not upload my life signs anywhere else. As you can see, i have found a way in the meantime, and in a very unbelievable place: the dunes. I mean: if there is one place where connections are often bad, it is the dunes, but i found a bunker where nobody was, it looked old and dirty and inhospitable, bare too, there was simply nothing or nobody, except for many spiders. Still, i found the connection i was looking for right there.

Why did i go to the dunes?
Long story short, most neighbors were in flight mode and didn't think about taking this strange newcomer with them, even though that same stranger had just helped them with her first aid kit, which was now almost empty. I was none the wiser either: no one knew what was going on. Many radios were out of order, mine still worked, but probably all radio stations had gone dead, because there was nothing but white noise.
I decided to return home, and have some good thinking about what would be the best place for me to go to.

On the main road in front of my house there was a huge traffic jam towards the city, apparently no one would even think of going towards the beach or dunes. And so i thought that maybe i would be better off going in that other direction. There was no information to be found anywhere, and the idea of everyone going in one direction like docile sheep just didn't seem wise to me. Fortunately my non-motorized trike had just been repaired, and i had made an ingenious loading platform for the back myself, so i could take some provisions and water with me, plus extra clothing, my water filter system, cooking equipment and other survival stuff.
The old neighbour next to me had been taken by her daughter, they didn't look up or around at me. The neighbour on the other side, the one with the slamming doors at night, i also saw hastily get into the car with a suitcase and some stuff and join the traffic jam. That turned out to be difficult: people didn't like to let him in and he pushed with threatening engine noise to a place in the long line of tin.
I waited until traffic had disappeared, which took about an hour, and then it was strangely quiet. Or actually, for the first time in a long time i suddenly heard the birds whistling undisturbed.
Weird.

I filled my first aid kit with what i had lying around, remembered to bring a map, and a pen and paper and and and and... i was really bummed that i couldn't stay in the house; nothing was broken, but i was afraid that scary people would go around the houses, and how would i defend myself? I'd better hide somewhere.
I just managed to fit my old tent and accessories onto the bike, had a nice meal and drank the last few beers i had.
Where were the reinforcements? Nothing had been announced, everyone was following each other in the same direction like sheep. Was that logical? Smart? No idea. And: what exactly had happened? It was all so incomprehensible, and I'm never very good at that; at the same time, my life had always consisted of confusion and chaos, and i had learned to live ad hoc, and with a range of mini-solutions and duct tape in my backpack, i always got quite far.

As it began to get dark, i decided to leave. As i locked the back door, i felt like i was standing there for the last time, but i shook off the paralyzing idea and manoeuvred the heavily loaded bike through the alley. Somewhere i heard a cat meowing, but i couldn’t see where it was. I had to go! The street was still completely deserted, the streetlights were out, here and there was a small garden light that still worked - probably solar powered - and it felt so unreal to be cycling here now, and to be leaving and not having a clue what was there and why and what to do...

I cycled into the dune area, as far northwest as possible seemed the smartest to me. It was deathly quiet there, except for a single bird that was startled to death by my presence - the reason why it is better not to be there at night, i think, but necessity breaks the law, as i had once heard, so i pedaled steadily on.

[to be continued]

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Indexer [nederlands]

1. After the party.

2. Primal feelings.

3. The bang.

4. Disarray.

5. Where to?

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