Some Drama.  nederlands

Maybe i should implement a rating system, in terms of sadness of a story. I give this 5 out of 5 moods that you probably already feel in the air with every story you surf open here. Welcome to my life!

It is difficult to recount everything here in detail, because i have to protect the privacy of those involved; all names are fictitious. To make that a bit clearer, i put the names in quotation marks at the first introduction in the text. After that, they simply continue without indication. I have also changed a number of other details. It is a bit of a shame, because it might give more insight into certain aspects of the story. But i do not want to discredit anyone, i just want to tell my story.

Edited version
This is a heavily edited version of what i wrote previously (and later deleted) about this situation; i hope it gives a slightly more balanced story now that there is a bit more distance, and i am no longer being yelled at or otherwise intimidated by them outside my house. For those who don't know: i moved to a different city, not just because of them, but it was a big catalyst and accelerant for the move.
I try my best not to let my anger control the story too much, because i am still furious. And very sad. Every now and then i'm confronted with their presence on this planet, and those aren't my best moments, so to speak.
I will share the story in parts, i don't know yet with what frequency.

If you have any problem with the text, names, story or anything, you can email: hannahcelsius@pm.me.

Part 1:  Arrival.

Part 2:  Fuss near my house.

Part 3:  The offer.

Part 4:  Diner dansant.

Part 5:  Flabbergasted.

Part 6:  Distance.

Part 7:  Nuances and fishing.

Part 8:  Street theatre.

Part 9:  Moron green

Part 10:  Reprise.

Part 11:  Voices near my house.

Part 12:  Who is the Stalker?

Part 1:   Arrival.

There is always an arrival and in my case also always a fairly quick departure, no matter which organization or group i have been involved with. There is one exception: my very first 'real' job, where i worked for 7 years. I turned out to be redundant there, and since then i have never been employed for long anywhere. In all kinds of other activities and groups there was always someone who felt the need to make my life miserable, often with dramatic consequences, such as dismissal, money problems, little or no income, and illness.
Because of all these ongoing situations, i am no longer able to work anywhere, or participate in group activities: i just cannot do it anymore. In fact, i can no longer handle interaction with people. I was in a kind of state of therapy at the beginning of the pandemic, but that treatment department ceased to exist at the beginning of 2022, and i was not allowed to go to the organization that took it over, because i would 'have enough tools' for the rest of my life. I think it was only because the waiting lists were already very long, and there was simply no more room for me. So now i'm just plodding along.

This is just to illustrate my life; when i ended up at Ene Organisatie (hereinafter referred to as Ene) in 2021, i had already been through a lot of misery. I tried all sorts of things at the time, and really thought that i could still participate in organizations, projects, groups and what not 'just like everyone else'. The pandemic didn't make it much easier either - still doesn't, by the way, but let's leave that out of consideration for now; but that applied to everyone at that time, there were still measures - maybe i still had some kind of hope that everything would be fine again one day, also for me.

And so i reported to Ene via their Instagram account; i was a bit annoyed that my email had never been answered, after a sort of open call from them. But it turned out well: i got an appointment with my further contact person there, 'Dennis'.
I didn't know anyone there. Of course i had read about Ene, but i had never been there, and didn't know anyone from the team, neither Dennis. My only goal was to find a place for a project i was doing, and it was approved, and so i went there once or twice a week to arrange that. Just to be clear: i didn't have a place to work at their office, so i was really involved with Ene in a bit of a distant way. As far as i know, my project didn't cost them any money; Dennis would sometimes buy me a drink, and that was that.

The beginning
When i arrived at the first appointment, there were two people waiting for me, Dennis and his assistant. I was given a tour, it was fun, i immediately liked Dennis, creative and observant and thoughtful and all that. "And all that"... i don't know, i immediately felt something, i saw something in his eyes... yes i know, the hopeless romanticismaniconnaical that i am. Anyway, the agreement was that i would arrange my own things every week. There was sometimes some hassle with things getting lost, but that always turned out well. However... an important point:
Somewhere along the line i had the feeling that something wasn't quite right, but i didn't know what. Of course there were many team members, i chatted with them, sometimes asked how they felt, but always got positive answers. One young man caught my eye, he was very nice, but there was something during our conversation that made it strange.

You know, as an autistic person, but certainly also as a person who has often suffered bullying and hassle and lies, you pay attention to details. I see things that people do, a look, a hesitation, how a body turns away, and that in combination with probably many other, unconsciously or consciously observed details, i often notice that something is going on. Let me call it a somewhat more than usual amount of sensitivity. Which does not mean that i can place everything well, that is another story. I notice that something is not right or does not match, but what exactly is going on is difficult. Sometimes it only comes hours, days or weeks later, that something starts to dawn on me. Not so strange, many people lie and cheat like crazy, unfortunately.

The young man asked me how i had ended up with Ene, i made a joke about it but then explained how that had happened. The striking thing now was that he then asked who had arranged that. Of course i did not know a thing about the organization, how they arranged things and so on, who all worked there and their tasks. So i also thought it was a bit of a strange question, it seemed clear to me, didn't it? So i said that it had gone through Dennis, and the second thing that was striking was that he wanted to say something, but he bit off his tongue. He wanted to say something, but it was really obvious that he swallowed his words again. Something was going on, and it had something to do with Dennis, but what? Of course i let it be, because what else could i do with it, i had nothing to do with it. Or so i thought.

Part 2:   Fuss near my house.

In the beginning i sometimes found Dennis a bit flirty towards me, and i found that confusing. I really liked him, but i'm much older and insecure and a strange autist... i couldn't imagine that he really liked me, or maybe he liked me but not as interested in a relationship.
One time i was working on my project @ Ene, he and a colleague were discussing something, and i felt him looking at my buttocks. When i turned around he kept his eyes like that for a bit too long, it was clear to me that he wanted me to see. I tried to pretend that i didn't notice anything - whether that worked, i don't know :-D
In the meantime my life continued in a difficult way. It was the end of summer 2021, i was alone, also felt very lonely, and although i did my best for everything to succeed, i often walked (still am...) with my soul under my arm. Sometimes i sat down somewhere nearby with a beer and a warm shawl in a quiet place with a nice view. I used to tweet about it, or post dark photos on my Instagram of my evening walks through a dark city.

One night i was at home, i was working late at my drawing table, it was quiet in the neighborhood, and suddenly i heard a woman's voice calling: ""Hannah! Where are you, Dennis is looking for you! He wants you!". I thought: wtf is that! I also heard Dennis' reaction, something like that she had to stop, and that he doesn't want me, effectively not like that. She joked: "What do you mean, 'like that'..". I couldn't hear the rest of the conversation.
Okay... so that was clear.
I had no idea what i was supposed to do, so i never said anything to him about it. And what was i supposed to say? It was still painfully etched in my mind how in other suitable situations, i always got into trouble, because nasty people didn't know or dared to talk about things. So i left it.

Another evening, not long after, i saw a woman i had seen at Ene before; she walked from my house across the street, she called someone on her cellphone and i heard her say: "I found her! But i think she has a husband, she has two nameplates on the door."
This had to be about me.
I had a sticker on the door to advertise my project - and i did indeed have two nameplates at the time: my real name and my artist name, because i sometimes received mail for both, and the overly concerned postman had made a fuss about it.
Some time later i woke up one night, i heard the same woman's voice loudly through the neighbourhood 'Fuck you!', and then Dennis' voice, saying: "Okay, I'll walk with you, but you must stop screaming, i don't want her to hear us." And then i heard soft and inaudible muttering near my house.

This is a crucial moment, because later - when everything had gotten completely out of hand - Dennis stated several times that he didn't know where i lived. I heard him make comments about it later, in 2023, to the same woman, 'Simone' i call her, when they walked near my house again (apparently she lived somewhere in my neighborhood). That's how i heard him say that i was not allowed to know under any circumstances that he knew where i lived. And that Simone then said: "She's known that for a long timea already".

I find it annoying to have to tell such nitpicky details. I find it so corny, that 'then this and then that, and he said and she said and and and...' and why spill all those words while the world is on fire (literally). And yet... they have caused me so much damage with their bizarre behavior and fuss, their lies and later intimidation. That is why i want to tell my story.

Part 3:   Fuss near my house.

In the meantime, i had had two anti-Covid vaccinations, and together with the Testing for Access thing, and here and there still using face masks and people who kept their distance, i was able to do a few more things. After a while, Dennis gave me a free access pass, so that i could go to events that were organized by them. I thought it was very sweet, but i also found it difficult to be in one room with a lot of people, and i didn't want to abuse it. Plus: having to go somewhere alone all the time is not fun. I've been doing that for ten years, and i often feel watched and alone and uncomfortable. Before the pandemic, when i regularly went to Paradiso, for example, i was harassed there or got nasty comments and such, i had to drag myself over a huge threshold every time to do things. Sometimes i asked a friend to come along, but of course that's not possible every time.
I went to an event by Some once, and i bought a ticket for that. I also had to pay a membership fee, for which i did use my pass, if i remember correctly. I didn't feel at all comfortable that night either, there was no one i knew, and i remember standing like a wallflower next to a wall, and then a few people came and stood RIGHT in front of me. Weird! The program was about to start but it took way too long for me, because i had no one to talk to. So i concentrated on the man who was standing with his back almost against my nose, i looked at his neck and waited for him to get uncomfortable. That took a few minutes; first he ran his hand along his neck a few times, then he started shuffling around a bit, and yes, eventually he stepped aside.
I didn't stay long.

I walked past the Some building. The weather was nice, and a buzzing insect had flown into my hair, i was just about to untie my hair and saw that a few men were working on the building.
I heard my name. And: she's untying her hair! (which is indeed what i did...). Laughter. Someone asked something like:
"Isn't she something for you?"
To which another voice replied:
"No, she's too old."
To which another voice shouted, it seemed to me to be Dennis's voice:
"For you, not for me!"
Everyone laughed again.
They didn't seem to notice that i could hear it. I felt rather embarrassed, and did what i always do: ignore it.

I found it confusing.
I really liked Dennis, and sometimes i thought: am i in love with him? Sometimes i thought so, sometimes not: i didn't know. I also found it difficult, someone who is much younger, the age of my son NB, and lives in a completely different world than i do. And then all the Covid stuff... everything has become 10x more complicated for me than it already was. And i also always had the idea that it was just a game for him, that he wasn't seriously interested in me. I was also afraid that because of my loneliness i would get carried away too quickly in someone's boat, which is usually not a good idea. And whether that is his boat or someone else's doesn't really matter; i have experienced a lot of bad things and that is why i think i have to be careful and not get into business with people too quickly, to use skipper's terms again.

One time, after a somewhat depressing tweet, i received a response from someone who wanted to encourage me. Very sweet, but who was it? The person (with an unknown account name) referred to my project at Some, and had created a Twitter account especially at that day, so it seemed like it was just for that one reaction to my tweet... Was that Simone perhaps, or Dennis himself? Or was it just someone else?

Another organization had organized a pitch competition, people with a good plan could pitch it to an audience. I had a good plan (due to the privacy of this whole story i can't say anything more about it), it had some similarities with Some, but i hadn't thought of it with the intention of doing it through them. If i could do the pitch, that would bring me into contact with many other organizations, and then i would see how or what that would lead to. Dennis turned out to be one of the jury members, and i wondered whether i should let him know that i would participate. I decided to only tell him if i would meet him at Some before that day, and that didn't happen, so he was surprised when i was there during the pitch day. By the way, i wasn't selected for the pitch competition, which was a shame, but i still wanted to go, hoping to learn something from the other attendees.
During the break, we spoke briefly, and he offered that i would do my pitch for him one time, because he said he had a lot of connections, and could then perhaps put me in touch with another organization. A few weeks later, it happened like this, i told him and his assistant about my plan. Then he offered that i could come and do it at Some. After that, i spoke to him a few times and sometimes someone else at Some, and that's how things went further.

NB: It bothers me a bit that i can't tell you exactly how it went, because then i share certain information that could possibly lead to the identification of the people involved. So maybe it sometimes comes across as a bit uncanny? I don't know, but i do my best to describe it as well as possible, without getting people into trouble.

Part 4:   Diner dansant.

The new project was mainly aimed at lonely people. Again, i can't say much about it without giving away too many details. Ene would help me set it up, an intern had offered to arrange the tech things the first time (he said he hoped to get a permanent position with Ene). Apart from that, i mainly did everything myself, and -in retrospect- that wasn't so smart: it was too much. Of course, i tried to find people, but the people i spoke to ended up looking for something else, so that didn't work. I did my best, and was very busy with it.

At the end of November 2021, yet another lockdown was coming, many organizations were struggling of course, and Ene had organized a benefit dinner. I bought a ticket, under my own name, because i don't have a bank account under my artist name, and of course i also paid for the drinks that evening myself. I'll explicitly state that, because it will come in handy later.
When we entered, the vegetarians were given a heart to distinguish them from the meat eaters, but i didn't know that and couldn't really see what Dennis was fiddling with; he held something up and said (which i only understood later): 'For your skin' and i thought 'huh, what?' and then it turned out to be a heart. I took it and stuck it modestly on my shirt (mainly because it sticks better).
His colleague, with whom i spoke briefly, then said out loud: "Dennis has saved the biggest heart for you!" and i thought: what should i say now, because Dennis didn't respond, and i stammered something like 'I feel very special now'.

Typical autistic things this:
When entering a relatively unknown place, many impressions, many people, many feelings, and everything is fighting for attention and where do i leave my coat and what do i keep with me, is it cold or warm and where is my bag again, do i have to do something with a test, where are my glasses, and and and... a lot is lost because my head is too full. I often cannot react appropriately for that reason, so i often do not hear things, or hear them too loudly, in short: disastrous business, where everything always goes wrong. In the time when there was still physical kissing or frequent handshakes, i often hurt people with clumsy movements, or gave a kiss in the wrong place, that kind of thing... it is often too much for me.

In addition, i have experienced many unsafe situations, and as a result i am probably always extra alert to all sorts of things - how do people look, what is their body language, is something wrong - all little things that i 'have' to keep an eye on, largely unconsciously, partly consciously, because of my inner, wounded self.
I think it becomes kind of second nature if you've been a victim of severe bullying, especially if you didn't get any help at the time.

There were also people attending the diner, who had nothing to do with One. I was sitting at a table with a man and a woman, who did not know each other either, and we chatted pleasantly about what kept us busy and so on.
At one point my head turned automagically, i was still laughing about something that had been said, and then there was Dennis in the doorway, he looked at me and then he quickly looked away again and stammered something like 'oh I shouldn't be here at all' and he was gone. Later, when i was leaving, he asked me where i had been sitting, upstairs or downstairs and i thought it was a bit strange: he had seen me, hadn't he?

The music got louder and louder, and i had trouble hearing the conversation; the woman even asked if it could be turned down a bit. That was possible for a while, but not long after it was just as loud or even louder again, and i felt more and more distant from my table companions. They started talking to each other, i didn't hear them anymore, they didn't try anymore, it wasn't fun. But it was a short evening, i did my best to end it nicely, and at some point a few other people came to the table.
The woman had been to the toilet, then i went too.
When i got back to our table, i couldn’t get to my chair right away because a group was standing and hanging in front of it and stuff, and because of that i was apparently standing with my good ear right opposite my table mates, so i could hear snippets of their conversation. It wasn’t just that, i could already tell that they were talking about me as soon as i entered the room. A certain way of looking, maybe, body language. Something was up.

The woman had heard someone talking about me in the toilet. I was supposedly Dennis's sweetheart, and i was using him to get things done with Ene. I was also supposedly after their money, something like that - i didn't quite understand the latter, but i gathered that from what they said about it afterwards.

At first i thought i must have heard it wrong. I mean: i had asked several people at Ene what they thought of me doing my little project there, and everyone thought it was nice and cool and great and everything. So who would say something like that? That was completely impossible.

Unfortunately, later on during the diner i heard bits and pieces of their conversation, everything indicated that i had heard it correctly. For example, the woman asked the man if they should tell me about the gossip. The man didn't think that was a good idea, because it was pretty harmful, and how would i react to that? So they didn't tell me anything.
I went into ignoring mode. My attention did not however: when the dessert was served, and the person who brought it around looked at me, i knew immediately who had started the gossip, although at that moment i was still trying to put it aside. It couldn't be true? Only days later, when i finally realized what had happened, did i wonder if Romy had spit in my food that evening. If that was the case, fortunately i didn't notice anything and i didn't get sick.

I tried to finish the evening as best i could. It was over at half past seven, because then everything had to be closed everywhere. I didn't say goodbye to my table mates, at the exit i talked to Dennis for a while and made nice and then quickly left. I walked home wtf'ing. I just couldn't believe it. Why would people say these things about me?
W.T.F.!

Part 5:   Flabbergasted.

The days after i was absolutely flabbergasted. WTF - I probably mumbled it hundreds of times, and still do: WTF.
What was going on? Did i do or say something wrong? Like any human being, i make mistakes, but i can't think of anything i did wrong. I would also have appreciated it if someone had discussed it with me.
I did, however, remember a few things that i had noticed earlier, and which i found quite remarkable.
For example, i once got a very sour look from Romy when i came out of an office with Dennis and another employee, who made a rather sexist joke about goats and women - i didn't think it was that great tbh, boys will be boys is what everyone says, but don't do that in my presence - and i thought for a moment that she had heard the joke too and that it was the reason why she gave me such a distorted look.
Only after the gossip i understood that look: she was jealous! But: why?
She, a beautiful young woman with her whole life ahead of her, all the opportunities and lots of friends and fun, a nice job too of course.
And then there's me: old, dismissed by almost the entire society (as so-called vulnerable), always having a fuss, always having trouble, always little money, always autistic, and quite often sick, weak and nauseous, along with all sorts of other not so nice things.
What the hell was she jealous about? About Dennis, that he cared a little about me? Why would you be jealous about that? I didn't understand a damn thing. And what about the idea that i would be his lover? Wtf? Because he had let me into their domain? Because he then offered me that other project with them? Was that it? How sad is that? Why didn't anyone tell me anything about what was going on?

I sometimes get reactions to this writing from people who read along (thank you! It's really nice to know that there are people who are interested in my strange situations), and several people have already let me know that there would be skewed power relations in this group of people or something like that. I don't know. The organization was conceived in a kind of cooperative form, i can't give any more details about that except that everyone was paid equally from what was earned together, something like that. I don't know, and i think it was none of my business. I wasn't there to make money, i gave things away! My first project didn't cost them anything at all, i think; it cost me a little, but by selling through my website and completely different channels i was able to compensate for that well.
They didn't advertise for me either. I sometimes felt a bit excluded from their social media, but i thought that was because of the organizational structure. Once someone asked if my project had ever been given attention via Instagram (which wasn't the case at the time) and he would pass it on to the person who was involved, that it might happen. I kept a low profile, because i didn't want to get in anyone's way or take up space that wasn't meant for me perhaps.

--- Now that i write this, i get very emotional again. Precisely because of this, because i realize how i tried my best to take everyone into account, that i am not a calculating bitch who would be out for things, and how much effort it cost me to find some connection, especially as a lonely autistic with many bad experiences behind me. They did not make it easy for me, in fact: that gossip really felt like a stab in the back. ---

There were more strange things, which i always dismissed as very unclear behavior, because i simply didn't know what was going on.
I think the difficult thing about that was that i didn't work there.
For example, if i think back to my work at the biK, where i also ended up in a very precarious situation, i had the dubious advantage of being there continuously during working hours (i worked there full-time). As a result, i knew what was going on, how the balls were rolling, etc., partly thanks to my weird talent to hear snippets of conversations and such - and i didn't do that on purpose; people were apparently very careless there - or they wanted me to hear it, that's also a possibility. Example: that i went to the toilet, and passed an office where at that very moment people were talking about me... weird, and that happened to me very often there.
Here at Some i was present very little, so i had no fucking clue what was going on.
However, i did receive strange signals.
So one time someone from the team walked by while i was doing my thing. I of course said hello and smiled at him but the smile died because he glared at me angrily and walked away without saying a word. WTF?
Or another person, who i didn't know, who looked at me with big eyes, as if something terrible was wrong with me. I tried to start a conversation, but he just didn't say anything back. Was he really shy, or was there something wrong with me? I have no idea.
Another person there, who i met several times, who also just looked at me and said nothing. It felt like there was some kind of judgment on me, but i had no idea what that could be.
And every time i put it aside again, because i thought: Hannah, you're just insecure, you have to try harder, you shouldn't look for anything behind it. Etcetera.
And then there was that nasty gossip.

Should i have sounded the alarm earlier? Should i have talked to Dennis about this?
I sometimes had the idea that he measured things by his own yardstick, and didn't realize that it might be very different for others.
Like, i had found a crappy job at the library, and when i told him he said that it might bring new opportunities for the future. While... it was the crappiest job without any further future prospects. And anyway, things have never worked out that way for me. Most of my life i had temporary jobs, and nothing has ever come of it, except unemployment benefits or welfare...
I remember how i hesitated for a moment whether i should tell him that, but i had the idea that he wanted to be positive, and would see my story as too negative, as many people do, so i kept my mouth shut. It also sometimes gets annoying to have to explain things over and over again; to have to tell that for many people it is not all that positive and nice, and that for many people there are few positive prospects. It is often demoralizing, when people give something a - well-intentioned - positive spin.

It's hard to be the newcomer all the time - everywhere - over and over again.

My previous experiences with similar nasty situations had never been positive.
Just when i tried to discuss things, i always got the cold shoulder. People who weren't honest, gossip and slander, jealousy - there's a lot going on everywhere, especially in work situations or situations where people earn money - sometimes i think that everyone is afraid of losing their skin. At biK, for example, i confided in several people, and most of them openly let me down. One person literally said that she couldn't afford to lose her job and that she didn't want anything to do with it. Others chose the bullies side, because they were in the majority, and they all had permanent jobs and security there.
To me, this often felt like i was being accused of something without it being expressed to me. As if an invisible tribunal had decided time and again to mark me as an undesirable person, something like that. I was being excluded.
And that's how it felt after that gossip with Ene.

It is undoubtedly a social problem. So many people who do not have a secure existence in several areas, then people start to fight each other. Also in progressive circles, also in support groups and the like, i have experienced it all, and i and many others still experience it: many talk a lot about solidarity, but as soon as it is really needed, actually, close to home, then suddenly there is no one at home anymore, because it is so uncomfortable when you have to do just that little bit more for others, and imagine that you would endanger your own position for someone else, oh help no!
Do you find that cynical? Check your privileges first.

And that gossip, you say, was that all?
No, unfortunately this was just the beginning of a series of bad things.
[Stay tuned! she shouted happily madly angrily]

In the meantime of writing this all, i see that they are happy that they will receive a large amount of subsidy again in the coming years. Their existence is important to many marginalized groups. However, it makes it extra sour for me, because they have in fact presented me as a threat to their financial situation, or to whatever - there has never been one of them who dared to speak out what was actually going on. It also makes it bizarrely strange that they behaved so badly towards me. How is it possible that they felt so entitled to ruin my life? For me this means many years of sorrow and misery, because my life has been completely turned upside down.

And they continue to party happily.
[I imagine Dennis reading this and saying: "Well, it wasn't all that nice for us either...".
Did someone force you? You did this yourselves, no one else. You could have done something completely different, you chose this yourself, at my expense.]

This feels exactly how the whole biK debacle still feels to me now - after 7 years. God i still have to tell that story; i started it some time ago, but i just couldn't handle it anymore. Just like this story btw... it affects me so much, sometimes it hurts physically, sometimes i just feel sick with powerless anger.
Also they're people in good positions, have everything going for them, but still felt the need to work a newcomer out of the room. And most of them still work there, or already have other good jobs, good incomes, nice vacations, their houses, everything in order. While for me, besides major emotional and physical consequences, my income has been halved for years, and i no longer see any improvement for my future.
#fml

Part 6:   Distance.

After i probably got over the initial shock of that nasty gossip, i had to decide whether i should do something about it or not. I didn't know. Pushed it away. Who should i talk to? I was afraid that a situation like biK would arise: that everyone you talk to tells you that you heard wrong, that it didn't happen, really! and so on and if that happened i knew i would have to get away from there. I was already busy with the second project, i didn't want to give that up either.
What to do?

I don't know anymore if i decided it as consciously as i am writing it down here now. Ignoring annoying things was already second nature back then -after years of hassle and being harassed-, or maybe my first, or somewhere in between. Maneuvering myself more or less into the background, not standing out too much, especially not reacting to unpleasant incidents, pretending i don't hear or notice it, just staying very casually stoic.
No, that's not good for a person, but it is a fairly logical reaction if you are often treated in a nasty way, on the street, on public transport, at work, etc. Sometimes that way of doing things actually works against me, but it has become such a bizarre automatism that i can no longer turn it on or off on my own authority. It is a kind of cocoon; it is there, and it does its thing to possibly keep me a little safer, but it also goes too far in that. For example, i don't see or hear someone at the wrong times, then realize it too late and then people think i don't want anything to do with them. In combination with a malfunctioning ear on one side, all kinds of things regularly go wrong, often with nasty consequences. Think: people who get angry because you don't greet them back; so many men on the street who think you have to greet them back btw - it's just too much sometimes, see the same Misogyny Files for more examples.

But i digress.

The second project - i won't say anything about it because the participants in this situation must be unrecognizable - didn't go very well. In the beginning it seemed to go okay, but at a certain point Dennis indicated that he had to justify the amount of time he had spent with me. I have the idea that he had offered me too much, simply out of enthusiasm - i don't think there is anything more to it (if you have that tendency to think so). The volunteer failed to respond to my questions, so i got stuck on a few things that i couldn't arrange and that i would have liked to know in advance. That is most of the time quite useful if you want to execute a plan.

Dennis once offered me to be a guest on their podcast. I was a bit surprised, because the project wasn't running yet, but it seemed fun, so i said yes. I was busy arranging, making videos and wanted some pictures of a certain space in their building in the evening hours. We made an appointment, when i arrived the building was already locked, and he didn't respond to my messages, so i had to wait quite a while until someone finally came outside, and i could go in. Everyone left, i took some pictures, we talked a bit. There was a strange moment, when he turned off the light and we suddenly stood in the dark together; i felt insecure and walked back into the hallway. While i was getting ready to leave again, he kept on talking. Even when i was already walking out the front door, he said something again. It was annoying. He probably thought it was very funny, i don't know. I don't know why he did that, i got the impression that he enjoyed making me feel insecure at that moment.

In the meantime, we also started following each other on Instagram. I find Insta really difficult. For a lonely soul like me, it's hard to see all those people doing all those nice things, while i'm sadly alone at home. Or walking somewhere outside with my soul under my arm.
It was early 2022, so there were still measures in place at that time, but they were all minimal. There was already a lot of partying going on, as evidenced by all kinds of insta photos and videos from people i followed or who appeared on my timeline. Dennis films his own life on insta, so i saw all kinds of quite intimate moments passing by. I have no further judgment about that, everyone does what they think is right. He films it, i write about my life, is there a difference?
So we (his followers, then about two thousand i think) witnessed how he acted in love with 'Maureen', one of his close friends. And also how she wanted to kiss him, but he walked away and Maureen cried out in despair: "But we are so close to each other!" And he, with a somewhat choked voice: "Yes, we are!" while he seemed to flee into the night.

I didn't know her, but met her one night at Ene's that winter. I had the idea that she was his girlfriend, especially because of how she behaved towards me then. At first i thought he was only into men, but what about that butt look from a while back? Maybe he was also sort of bi+. Whatever.

I was late that evening, and thought everyone had already left, but Dennis, Maureen and a semi-famous author were still eating, and Dennis asked me to join them. He introduced me to the author, we talked a bit about their book, and my project. Maureen avoided my gaze from the start. That was actually quite strange. Because i was late, the author offered to read something from their book, which was very nice. Dennis bought the book for me, which was very sweet. We talked a bit more, and in response to situations with transgressive behavior elsewhere, Dennis said that he hoped that if something was wrong with him, people would talk to him about it. A light bulb went on in my head for a moment: should i discuss this gossip situation and such with him? Is it perhaps a hint? In the meantime, Maureen was ignoring me quite noticeably. Why? It was the very first time i had met her, why on earth does someone do that? I asked her something, but she didn't respond.
When we said goodbye a bit later that evening, she was also very distant, unlike the others. I just stammered something dutiful, about how nice it was to meet her, but thought: w.t.f. is going on?
I walked away, and only much further on was i cycled past by the author. I wondered if they had been chatting about me. Again that idea that something was wrong, that there was something that was not being said. But what?

Long story a little bit shorter: i quit the project. I couldn't get it off the ground without help, and i started to doubt whether the people at Ene really wanted this. I had the idea that they hoped it would die out, by itself, or that i would stop by myself. Otherwise, they would have made more of an effort, right? In addition, the corona measures were lifted, and i had no idea how i, as a so-called vulnerable personality, was supposed to deal with that.
I emailed the few people involved with Ene, Dennis took it upon himself to magnanimously apologize for not having done more, something like that. I didn't hear anything from the other two. The other people (outside of Ene) who were supposed to participate in the first program responded kindly and felt bad for me.
It turned out that very weekend of my cancelled program that Dennis was throwing a party, i think all the corona measures had just ended. I remember a few days before that, he filmed himself and said something like: Who should I invite? and as a lonely soul i thought that was pretty lame, for myself but also for others who might hope to be invited, and then aren't, i don't know how to explain it; it was probably just meant to be teasing, but it comes across as bullying tbh. Of course i wasn't invited; somehow i had the idea that he had distanced himself from me. Did it have something to do with Maureen? In any case, there would have been no point in inviting me: how could i go to a party, with all the maskless people, during the corona pandemic? That was completely out of the question (still not by the way...).

I'm sure she was glad i wasn't there. Of course i shouldn't have looked at his insta, but i was curious to see who was there. I saw the intern, the author, and i had a shitty weekend, as usual, so what else was new?

Part 7:   Nuances and fishing.

Reading back, i think i give the impression that everything was annoying. Of course that wasn't the case. There were nice things, several nice people, i also really liked the organization itself. I would love to talk about the nice things, how the first project went there, how nice it was to be able to do that. About the nice and funny things with Dennis, or other people there. Things are never just shit, and that is also what makes it difficult. You like people, and things can always go wrong, but somehow i still seem to assume that things will blow over or go away, or can be talked about, that there is a solution that everyone can live with. Why the latter doesn't always work that way, i don't know. I think that a lot is done, said, thought and acted out of fear.
Only i don't understand the fear for my little person. Was it all jealousy? Fear that i would come and take something away, but what forgodssake?

That i couldn't get back to sleep last night, and thought about to what i wrote in Part 6 yesterday, i remembered a few things from that evening with Maureen. It wasn't just that she ignored me as much as possible; it seemed like she was marking her territory, as far as Dennis was concerned. We talked about corona, and Dennis told me how he hadn't been sick yet, and Maureen immediately eagerly told how strange that was, because they slept in the same bed and had kissed. Later we went downstairs, Dennis walked down the stairs first and i happened to walk almost behind him, but Maureen immediately slipped in between, that was really weird. I just said something friendly then like: Go ahead, but i thought it was quite strange.
If there had been one such thing, well, but i found multiple things bizarre. It was just noticeable that there was something. Was she afraid that i would take him away? It seems to me that he was there himself, something like that doesn't just happen? Or did she want to protect him? But from what then? From me? Why then, what had i done? It was yet another incomprehensible thing. And yet, not unimportant for the rest of the story, because almost a year and a half later this would in fact be confirmed by them themselves. So stay tuned, then :-)

I apologize, it's a long story.
Long-winded too, probably. I was wondering yesterday how many parts this will be. A lot, I'm afraid. It can't be helped.

What i also want to clarify:
the end of the corona measures, March 2022. That was a really bizarre shitty moment, for everyone who is called 'vulnerable'. (EVERYONE IS VULNERABLE, i want to say that again for the 1000th time). But the so-called vulnerable, we were thrown under the bus. Sort it out for yourself, figure out how you are going to protect yourself, we are no longer participating. And we have noticed that too. In fact, we are no longer welcome anywhere, since then. I have asked event organizers several times how they thought they were going to protect us, almost everyone thought it was nonsense, or came up with excuses such as 'we follow the RIVM' (left-wing organizations that always portray themselves as 'critical'...), or 'I didn't think of that for a moment!' (the person who protected herself and her own staff, but the people on whose backs they earned their money, they preferred to cram into small spaces), the exhibition where - according to the curator - i was the only one who asked about protective measures and who no longer dared to mention the word 'corona' in their communication, and so the whole place was packed; i felt like the dog that has to wait outside until its owners are done with the fun things.
Also the difficulty everyone suddenly had in coming up with online options: remarkable! They had 2 years of practice, and suddenly they forgot it all again. Business as usual, we don't feel like it anymore, that damn covid. Unfortunately, that damn corona still wants us... and you can still get seriously ill from it, and die, especially if you already have other diseases. HUNDREDS of studies show that many serious conditions can develop, even in healthy people, who become infected. Even if you have no symptoms, or just a bit of a runny nose. And don't forget Longcovid.

And still. Nothing has changed. We are not massively immune, there are many mutations, there is still a lot of excess mortality that cannot be explained in any other way than by Covid, so quite a lot of people still die from it. And who are those people? We don't hear about it anymore, everything is covered up, the figures are no longer published or are published very briefly. We dutifully get our vaccination once a year, all the vulnerable people are crammed together in rooms that are too small without any form of protection ("Face masks? Oh, I have to ask about that, I don't know if that's the intention..."), but is that enough? No, they wear off pretty well after half a year or so. Wearing face masks has also become quite a problem. You get strange and nasty reactions, even from healthcare workers - i find the latter really bizarre, sometimes you really don't know what you're experiencing.
I and many others no longer matter. Those who are sick, weak and or nauseous may die. Or remain locked up. It is not really a nice choice, so to speak.

Why i mention this here: it has become an important part, out of necessity, without me wanting it to, of my life. It is not gone for me or others. It makes everything 10x more complicated than it already was.
It made me not know how to execute my second project. It also made me not be able to participate in events at Ene. I think that also made my position more problematic: i was almost never there. I did my thing and left again.

Also the feeling of not really being wanted by the people there (because of that nasty gossip), usually made me leave quickly again.
My project was in the hallway of the building. Somehow, conversations in the room next door, where people often sat, that i couldn't see - i think they could see me, there was a screen where they could see who came in - could be heard in the hallway. Not very loud, but when there was no music on, i could hear it. So i came in once, and did my thing, and heard women's voices, it sounded like conspiratorial talk, and then loud laughter. I had the idea that Romy was there, so i quickly left again.
I also heard Dennis talking once, with another team member, he asked the guy if i ever came in. And if he knew if something had happened, why i didn't come in anymore. The man swore he knew nothing. I wondered why Dennis didn't come and ask me. If he saw me come in anyway, why didn't he come to me?

A few months passed like this. I tried my best to play into their agenda with my project every now and then, which i noticed was appreciated. I really enjoyed doing that (unfortunately, that shitty privacy again... i would have liked to share it with you :-)))))). But in the meantime i wondered if i could confide in Dennis about that nasty gossip. I was very doubtful.

One day i was there to arrange my project, there was some event going on, there were a lot of people in the garden that is visible at the end of the large hall. I was doing my thing, and suddenly i looked up, and saw through a window that Dennis was looking at me, and then he looked away. He did not come to me. Another team member chatted with me for a moment, he said that Dennis is there too, i said yes, i saw him, i'll go to him in a moment. Then the team member asked, seemingly casually: I thought you were friends, right? I thought it was a strange question, especially since this person also spent a lot of time with Romy and i had the idea that he knew more about that gossip. I answered a bit stutteringly, and said: "No, we only know each other through here." Which was true. The team member still stuttered a bit, that he thought we had known each other for a long time; he also introduced me to a nice young man who was also doing a project there.
Despite the hustle and bustle, i went into the garden to say hello to Dennis. He was working on his laptop, but offered me something to drink, we chatted a bit, i felt a kind of tiredness in it, i don't know. Others came in between, and he continued with his emails, i sat alone and drank my beer, and thought about what the team member had said. I found it rather obvious, that he was fishing for the kind of relationship between Dennis and me. Immediately i was thrown back to the evening of the nasty gossip, and my mood dropped far below zero. Suddenly i had had enough. I was angry, because i had the feeling that i had to walk on eggshells, that i could never do anything right, that i was always the one being picked on. I felt abandoned by Dennis, although i didn't know exactly how or why. I left, and wished the nice young man success with his evening.
That was the last time i went in there. On the way home i knew i couldn't go on like this. [wordt vervolgd]

Part 8:   Street theatre.

Indeed, it is like a soap opera; but isn't every life like that, or Life in general? Maybe i should write it as a screenplay and it will be a blockbuster. As a screenwriter, you probably have no say in that, but i do wonder who would be me.

Last night i dreamed about Dennis again. I don't remember what, except that we were in a relationship. Probably because of this writing and my incessant brooding, my dream brain is groping in the dark just like me and trying to sell me all kinds of scenarios; i don't know how that works exactly. Although i really liked him, and i think we had a good connection, i never had the idea that a relationship was an option. Why does my dream brain do this - is it to clarify my feelings, or does it perhaps have nothing to do with him at all but only with my desire to be seen - heard - loved? Questions, questions, questions...

Let me continue this almost endless drama.
Where are we? Summer 2022.
On June 24th i texted Dennis.

Hi 'Dennis', i want to send you an email about something difficult and annoying that happened to me at 'Some Organization', can i send it to you via whatsapp, or do you want to receive it via the usual email? I would rather not have anyone else open it. Gr Hannah. Answer: No, send it here! Or if you want to do it by email, you can send it to 'dennis@eneorganisatie.nl'

I sent him a PDF in which i tried to explain what had happened. That evening he texted me that he would take some time to respond. Of course that was logical. So i waited, in quite a lot of tension. I found it very difficult. I had not mentioned any names, because i did not want or dare to accuse anyone, and it seemed wise to me to first formulate it more generally. Maybe i should have done that differently, or was i not clear enough?
And what is the deadline for responding to a difficult letter? I did my best to respect the time he took, but in the meantime i had been struggling with this problem for months, which he was already aware of, given his question to that colleague, whether something had happened, and the fact that he did not come to me on the few occasions that he knew i was there; i found that quite remarkable, certainly for someone who wonders what is wrong with someone.
The following week i saw an insta video of him, that he had been out with someone else from Ene, he asked her how she had liked the evening, she made a comment about how they had only talked about his love life, something like that. I wondered if they had also talked about my letter and the gossip.

A week later, on the weekend of July 2, he still hadn't responded, something bizarre happened. I think it was also on that Saturday. It was about half past ten at night, i was standing on my balcony messing around with the laundry. Here is a sketch of the situation, perhaps it will become clearer to you, dear readers, how that went.



The brown marked building is my apartment (1st and 2nd floor). The blue part is the covered balcony on the 1st floor, which has a view of the beginning of the Zijstraat, and of its intersection with the Achterstraat. The part of the Zijstraat next to and further on is not visible from the balcony, because of a surrounding wall on the right. You can't look around it, because it is more than a meter wide.
The green marked part in Mijnstraat is the front door.

So i was standing on the balcony, with my back to the street. It was already getting dark, i was taking the laundry away. While i was doing that, i heard a bicycle and a scooter riding along. They came around the corner, and i heard how they suddenly started talking very loudly. That was noticeable, because i hadn't heard anything before, and it was very quiet in the neighborhood.
A man was talking about how terribly in love he was, and the woman was like, "Tell me, who is it?" and i didn't really pay attention, until they drove past me, and the man suddenly said, "There she is! on the balcony!" And i thought, but that sounds like Dennis' voice? wtf and i looked behind me, but they had already passed.
I couldn't see them anymore, because of that wall on the Zijstraat side of the balcony. The woman said something like: "Really, is she there? Do you want to go back?" And the Dennis voice said: "No, I'm with you now." He also said something about he deliberately had wanted to take a detour via Zijstraat. And something about destiny and coincidence, i don't know. Afterwards, however, when they were a bit further along, i heard them laughing really hard, and the Dennis voice said: "Hhahaha, i almost believed it myself!" and really loud laughter, then it was quiet again.
I was rooted to the spot. What the fuck was this? Why was he saying things like this? Was it a prank, or to bully me?

After a few days of disbelief and horror i angrily emailed him, asking why he would do something like that, i was really angry. He responded by telling me not to be so threatening (he had a point there, i apologized for that later), and that he would never do something like that, that he was out of town that day, didn't have time for it, and didn't even know where i lived.

He shouldn't have written that last part, because of course i knew he knew where i lived. So all in all i didn't believe him. He asked what we should do with that discrepancy, i didn't know. Maybe we should have talked about it. But i can't talk to someone who lies about things in advance, that doesn't make much sense to me.

What is also good to know: i was in no other situation, hardly associated with any other people, except for an occasional girlfriend, but they did not know him and One Organization at all. I would not know who could have done something like that. And then with the same voice? I found it really so strange. And then the lie about him not knowing my house. I really wanted to believe Dennis. But he made it very difficult for me in this way.
Who the woman was, i don't know. I recognized her voice, i thought for a moment of someone i had seen and heard talking at Ene shortly before, but i wasn't sure.

What should i do?
In his email he went into the gossip, and it seemed as if he had not understood it, or that i hadn't explained it well. He talked about their customers, as if they had gossiped, it was very vague. He also talked quite extensively about how he reacts to such things, that he does not care about it, which i also found quite annoying. I responded by saying that it is very different for people who are not in his position. I indicated that i would break off contact, because i did not see how i could deal with people who lie and gossip. With that my little project with them also ended. I thanked them for the opportunity etc.

I also wrote to him that i thought he was a nice person and that i would have liked to get to know him better, but that this incident had changed that. In response, i got a nasty sneer from him. Something along the lines of: "Unfortunately, you can't get engaged to me. I'm attracted to men." Okay then... what did i do to deserve that? No idea.

I really thought it was very bad, this whole thing, his response to it. He had also written that there had been bad things with Ene, someone had died and someone had been very ill. Of course i thought that was very sad for everyone involved. But i also found it annoying that he had not mentioned any names; as if i had not been part of them at all, had never spoken to anyone there, had no feelings for Ene. I did not dare to ask about it anymore, and i also thought: if i break off contact it is none of my business anymore, but it made me feel even more like i had been excluded all that time. They simply did not want me there - and i think they should have told me that, especially Dennis, who offered me things. Especially that 2nd project: he offered that to me himself NB. I really have the idea that there has been all kinds of scheming behind my back about that. Because why that gossip? It does not fall from the sky.

I still have the impression that the team accused Dennis of favoring friends and girlfriends, and that he therefore distanced himself from me, in order to strengthen his position in the team. That i therefore did not receive any more help with my 2nd project. And that i was actually dismissed as being 'the guilty one', as the usual misogynistic view, that women are in principle always the vile seductress of the so innocent man, and that it is therefore always women who are pushed out of organisations. There are so many examples of this, think of the story of the ALLEGED mistress of Tom Egberts, who had some nasty shit thrown at her.

Anyway.
I was in complete shock, and yet: you would think that with my departure the whole drama would have come to an end.
Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Part 9: Moron green

Up until this point you might still think: okay, Hannah, this isn’t all fun, but shit happens, and well, bad luck. Move on!
I disagree, but i can imagine many people think so. No one was hurt, except my pathetic ego, and at Ene certainly no one suffered from this. What about Dennis? Did this seriously affect him then? And why? Did i do something to him?

It could be that i accused him of that act, while he didn't do it. I'm still left with a number of questions: why didn't he ask me if there was anything, didn't he notice any signals with the team, and couldn't he have asked further about the email i sent, and why did he lie about not knowing my house? And the most pressing question: if it wasn't him, who was it? Then it could only have been someone who knew about my email. My friends didn't know anything at that time. The only one was Dennis, or possibly people at Ene who had access to his email. Or people he talked to about it. So those are either people from Ene, and/or his friends or family.

And what i also noticed then: both that street play and the sneer in his last email to me actually had the same intention, namely to embarrass me because i would feel something for him or wanted a relationship with him. If it wasn't Dennis, there was someone in his environment who was very afraid that Dennis and i would be friends. I felt like i had once again ended up in a hornet's nest, and it was quite logical that i broke off contact.
I do understand that Dennis was afraid of his reputation, as a public figure (his own words), and that sneaking past a woman's house at night is not exactly good for your reputation. Hence his lie about that part, then, in 2022. While, if he had just explained it to me, there would have been nothing wrong. I already knew that 'Simone' had dragged him into it. Lying about that was a strange move, and it still gives me the idea that he was the street actor. I also think it is very bad that his reputation weighed more heavily on him than my well-being. In any case, if you are in the public domain, it may not be wise to do these kinds of strange things.

Anyway, that was then, the end of summer 2022.
For a moment i thought that was the end of the story. Normally i often walked past their building on my longer walks, now i stayed far away from it. I didn't go out anymore, because of the ongoing corona events and my sick weakness that i don't want to risk, so the chance that i would encounter them elsewhere was quite small. I do remember that i once walked past Ene on an evening when i expected that no one would be there, and that immediately turned out to be a rather wrong assessment: there were a lot of people outside the door, running away might have been the smartest thing to do, but i walked past in the hope that no one would notice me. However, one person looked at me rather conspicuously, so i just smiled and quickly walked on. And once i was coming back from the library, when i saw Maureen standing by her bike. I saw that she saw me, and then she suddenly took a noticeably long time to lock her bike, so i quickly walked on and away from there too.

However.
Of course i was often at home. And like so many social housing units, the walls there were also made of cardboard. If i wasn't listening to other things, i could often hear all sorts of talking from outside.
Shortly after his snarky reply to my last email, i heard something in my street in the evening. A man's voice, soft, that i didn't hear well, and then a woman's voice calling out: "Moron green!". Spoiler: remember this strange exclamation, it will come in handy later.
I always had a night light downstairs by the front door, because the hotel switches in that house (and in the entire neighborhood) were not working as they should. That light was on green (it can also be on white or blue). So i immediately felt addressed. For a moment i had the idea that Dennis was filming my house. I didn't dare look outside, because suppose he was indeed filming my house (!!), then i didn't want to suddenly be an extra in it, in front of his few thousand insta followers.

And so i also once heard the sound of bicycles and a man who asked, right next to my house (in the Zijstraat): "Is it here?" And then Dennis' voice:"Yes, but don't talk so loud, if she hears it, she'll burst into tears again." The other voice responded laughing:"Now you're talking too loud yourself!".

Once again i was flabbergasted. What the fuck was this? Like i had been crying to him or something? How? I really did cry about it, but never in his presence, i never talked about it with him again, nor with anyone from Ene, only with a friend of mine, whom they don't know. I thought it was really bizarre. And who was that person who wanted to know if i lived there? What the bizarre fuck? I got the idea that Dennis had made up some story about me, because what else would it be about? Had i done something? Absolutely nothing.

This website for example: it didn't exist back then. I didn't write about my life at the time, i only started doing that in October 2022. I only had my portfolio online. On my Twitter account at the time, i did write a few angry tweets, but i deleted them just as quickly.

I panicked. What the fuck was he doing? I found it intimidating; that was probably exactly what it was supposed to do. And what the hell had i done to him?
I would still like to get an answer to that. To all my questions anyway. Who was the street actor? Why was Dennis so angry, as if i had done something terrible to him? What was all this fuss around my house all of a sudden?
I decided to contact an external confidant, CO. I had a few conversations with CO, they could guide me if i wanted to take steps. For a while i thought about asking for a conversation with one of the founders of Ene, but i increasingly got the impression that that would not help. At Ene, just like everywhere else in the world, they would cover each other up, i would not learn a thing about the strange situation, and i would only end up with more misery, i was afraid.

Also, at a certain point i didn't find CO very trustworthy anymore. CO once responded to something i said with: "So you're after Dennis!" and i thought that was sooooo bizarre... as if CO had been out to prove that i had some kind of secret agenda all this time. Very bad, especially because that wasn't true at all, and i ended it. After a while i got another email asking if i had thought about what i wanted to do, then i explained that as a completely single and lonely person i don't stand a chance against anyone. They have a lot of friends, and it would only bring me a lot of hassle and no solution. Otherwise the scoundrel who had done it would have come forward anyway. CO didn't respond anymore; it felt like everyone was disappointed in me, and there was actually no one to help me.
A friend heard my story and supported me somewhat in that way, she did believe me fortunately. But i see her very little. I didn't know what to do with it. I just hoped that the Some's would leave me alone.

Aside: there was also a fuss at that CO organization shortly after, which gives me the idea that they have a secret agenda themselves, namely the idea that many women want to bring men down, and that they make up stories or lie about things to do so. I hear that nasty idea from more sides by the way, also on Mastodon for example, often it is women who spread that kind of talk. Don't fall for it, it is disastrous for people who are victims of transgressive behavior. And it is a very nasty way of thinking. I will go into that in more detail elsewhere, but i don't want to make this story any longer :-D


I don't remember if it was still in those same months, or if it was only in the spring of 2023, but sometimes i would hear a woman's voice saying to someone: "Why are you always so tense when we walk past here? Did you do something?" Was it Simone's voice? I don't remember. And then a man's voice mumbling. I heard something like that several times. Other than that, it seemed to remain calm. The holidays passed. Spring came. I struggled on, still feeling really shitty about how this had happened. Why couldn't people be honest? I felt very alone. At times i was also angry. Things from biK had also been stirred up again because of this, i didn't feel like there would ever be anything good in my life again. And tbh that feeling never went away.
Now you readers are wondering: surely this is the whole story, and is it finally over?
...
...
...
No. As the moron green spoiler already indicated: it goes even further.

Part 10: Reprise.

Someone wrote to me: "Good that you wrote it off."
But that's not what i do. I don't know how you do that. Not that i haven't tried. Throughout my life i've made several attempts to 'write things off', but it's never worked. After writing it down, it's still there, just as hard and annoying and shitty as before. This website isn't meant to write things off, but to tell my story and stories, plus a showcase of all the things i do and make.

July 5, 2022 - i looked it up - i broke off contact with Some. I ignored the things described above that still happened at my house. I really had to sit on my hands: even though i no longer followed their accounts, i occasionally saw things from/about/with them via other accounts that i followed, which i cannot give any further details about, unfortunately. But which did annoy me, because it was so completely contradictory to what i had experienced.

Sometimes things suddenly come to mind after i have written part of this story.
Like there was something in early 2022 that i didn't really think about at the time. I saw someone give a hateful response on their insta account, something like 'you are fake people' or something. The person in question had an account name with a lot of numbers, and Ene had quickly blocked it. Shortly after that i had a meeting with Dennis, i asked how things were going and he said among other things that they had a bad problem with someone. I asked if that was that angry response, and he confirmed.
Later i wondered if this person was treated the same way as i was by people from Some. I recognized the urge to post angry things. However, i managed to resist that and have not been heard from again. I also want to make that very clear: i did not respond, nor emailed, visited, called or apped, nothing at all.

In October 2022 i started this website in the form it is now. It had nothing to do with them, in that i wanted to be as far away from them as possible at that time. I did write a few things about the situation, in the Misogyny Files, but i don't remember exactly when that was. I think it wasn't until early summer 2023.

Around that time i noticed that i suddenly heard Dennis more often at my house. I searched my files and now see that what i described in the previous part at the end, that that was in the spring towards summer. When i realized after a while that i heard him/them more often near my house, i decided to write everything down, because i found it quite remarkable, and i didn't feel comfortable with it, given everything that had preceded it. Especially to have it clearly in order for myself, and given all kinds of previous experiences in my life: record things. So i heard them a bit earlier, but the first note i made is from July 9, 2023:

1. Sunday, July 9 around 18:50
I hear Simone say ‘Fak joe!’ loudly, and then Dennis' voice, softer:”I only said: maybe she is used to it.” They lowered their voices as they walked past my house, i did not hear what they said.

I have great difficulty writing all this down, especially everything that follows. I can hardly read my notes back - i immediately go back to the stress and emotions i had then: my helplessness, anger, fear, the feeling that some game is being played that i don't understand. It is incredibly unpleasant to hear people talking about you and not be able to participate in the conversation. If this had been the first time in my life i might not have minded it as much, but i have been the target of gossip and trouble for most of my life; always and everywhere someone pops up who makes my life difficult.
Like now again: i had only just moved into my new house and the first problem people have already reported themselves. Serious problematic behavior, and is anyone going to help me with it? The GP i spoke to about it doesn't seem to understand it. Maybe i didn't explain it well enough? Should i first let them read my entire website before i go again, so that they might have a little more understanding of other people's worlds? Or does something bad have to happen first? And is something only bad if i get physically injured, and are the psychological consequences of other people's assholes' actions not important? Every time something happens, and i get no help from anyone again, i sink further into the bottomless pit of despair. And every time i try incredibly hard to climb out of it, but the backpack gets heavier and heavier and will there come a time when i can't get up anymore?

Anyway: the notes.
To publish the very long list blindly makes no sense; i will have to provide the necessary explanation, as the example above clearly shows. Should i do it in the form of a radio play, situation sketch films, or puppet show*? It is all a lot of work, and i am already busy with so many things. I have to think about it.

* I once heard Dennis shout angrily that this puppet show had to stop, and i don't know if it was about me, but it did give me the idea to retell all this in puppet form. I also wondered who the puppeteer of this play actually was.

[to be continued > part 11 is ready in Dutch, but not translated yet because i'm too tired, hopefully i can do so tomorrow]

Part 11: Voices near my house.

I was once advised that if you have a story to tell, you shouldn't go through all kinds of complicated contortions to make it sort of interesting, but just tell the story. It was a bit strange to hear this from an animation producer, because most animations are very complicated and extremely time-consuming to make, but of course he meant it in terms of content. I could always do it differently, someday, but i don't feel like spending too much of my precious time on this shitty story, so unfortunately no puppet shows or weird animations.

It also doesn't make sense to enter all the notes exactly, then i probably have to explain so many things that i actually can't explain because of privacy. The idea now is to give a summary per time period / events, in which i can also immediately provide an explanation if necessary. Hopefully that is also better and shorter, in terms of readability - i really do my best to spare you readers... :-D. I may reproduce very remarkable things verbatim.

Of course, everything i have heard has an appearance of me having heard it wrong. Or made it up. Maybe i am a bizarre fantasist, or a terrible liar. Unfortunately, i cannot prove anything. I find it difficult for myself too; i think of the biK situation, in which i also heard so many things, which often, in combination with things i noticed in people's behaviour, provided clarity for myself, while everyone acted as if i was crazy. It cost me a lot of pain to keep choosing for myself, to keep believing in myself. I know what i heard, i know what i have seen and noticed and felt. I am not crazy, and i may be a fantasist because i sometimes make up stories here, but that is something completely different from the stories that i experience myself, i do not lie about that, and apart from occasionally some cover-ups to protect the privacy of others, i do not make it up. Another example that mainly strengthens myself in what i have heard: i heard much more there. Comments from neighbors, which were often later confirmed by behavior or other comments.
So again: i know what i heard. I also know that sometimes things could have been meant just a little differently. Or that sometimes it wasn't about me. But by keeping the notes, i could read things back and look them up when something else strange happened, things were confirmed.

So i couldn't film or record anything? Filming public spaces is not a good idea anyway; i did try to make audio recordings once, but that was of course also doomed to failure. I have little money and poor equipment. What was funny, although also disturbing: when i had set up my audio recorder with microphones one evening, a neighbor diagonally across the street had apparently seen me do something. At one point i heard him say to his wife:
"I think that woman across the street is up to something!"
Unfortunately i didn't hear the rest of the conversation. Despite the fact that the guy was keeping a close eye on me - i find that quite creepy tbh, and there are many people like him -, i had to laugh my head off. I think he was also looking at my house one night, the creep, under the guise of walking the dog. Anyway, the recording didn't work and besides the fact that i thought it was ridiculous to want to record it all in the first place, i also thought that was a shame. If it had worked, i would have had proof. It's a bit of a common thread throughout this whole story: people who don't say what's going on honestly and openly (and i include myself in that, although my motives were of a completely different nature), gossip and smirking and spinning: that's probably also impossible to record. I think: whatever i say or do, people will always continue to deny it in every possible way, and not only they do that, but everyone who thinks gossip and bad behavior is okay if it saves your skin. I really, really [insert ugly disease, or not] hate that.

It always goes like this: someone has done something to you, and instead of apologizing, explaining why and how, they start spinning their story differently. I now have someone in my environment who has already spun it so that i am suddenly the person who 'doesn't know the rules'. While the good man actually rang my doorbell, secretly. People spin it around so that they don't have to take any responsibility for their mistakes. And that also plays a role in this whole shitty affair.

Okay, let me begin.
First of all, a reading aid: the site plan of the house and the street map around it (opens in new tab), that might make it a bit clearer, and you can keep it at hand.

So i had noticed for a while that Dennis was walking past my house more often. We hadn't been in touch for a year, no one from Ene had ever been in touch, and neither had i. So on July 9, 2023, I decided to write everything down, because experience had taught me that that clarifies a lot for yourself. Of course, there are some seemingly nonsense notes. Like the first one above... And although i often thought to myself: what bloody bullshit, what's the point and so on, i pep-talked myself through it and kept writing everything down.

That's how i noticed that they were talking about me. Little things, i heard my name once, or i heard a certain way of talking that i knew that my house was being gestured to, it started to stand out quite a bit. For example, i heard Dennis say that it had to remain a secret that he knows where i live (July 9). And take for example this little flurry of a conversation, that came to me through my bedroom window at the back:
[3. saturday july 15 to sunday 16, little before 04:30]
I had woken up shortly before, no idea why. Couldn't fall asleep again right away. After a while i heard Maureen's voice at the KletsKruising, it sounded a bit desperate: "But there was something wrong with her!"
A softer voice, a little further away, a somewhat angry Dennis:
“There was nothing wrong with her. It wasn't until everyone started interfering...” (... i didn't hear the rest)
Then another male voice: “Dennis! Oahw!” in slight absence.

This confirmed my feelings and suspicions that something had been going on a year before. How Maureen had been so dismissive of me, even though it was the first time we met. I was in tears right after that, and now again. Something was wrong with me? Wtf! A hundred thousand people can now say that it wasn't about me, but that's a lie. This was clearly about me.
I also suspected that Dennis had read my website, for example a Vandaaggedachte where i wrote about my questions about a certain S. (i have since changed the name i used at the time to D.), whether he flirted with me, that my head had gone crazy and that he then dropped me - written on December 31, 2022. That i would have liked to tell him special things. I had actually completely forgotten about that, strangely enough, which immediately illustrates how useful my website is! I really liked him, and i sometimes wondered what cool things we could have done and made together, and what a shame it was that it was all gone.
By now, half a year had passed, and a year after the unpleasant events, and i was actually just angry at him and all the other people of Some, and very sad that none of them had ever tried to solve it. Maybe he only read it in the summer of '23? No idea where that came from.

Shortly after that i heard Dennis and Simone talking about my website. I also heard that fuss a few more times when someone asked, while they were walking past my house: "What did you do?" and a mumbling voice: "Nothing." And i heard Maureen cycling past with someone: "You don't have to pedal so nervously, that Hannah Celsius has been in bed for a long time." Indeed, but i was still awake. I don't remember whether i wrote anything about it, maybe even tooted something about it, i have no idea. I heard Dennis wondering how i could hear things, and Maureen laughingly saying that my window was open, but he still found it strange.
Simone also walked by, with a man, and they talked about how things were going with Dennis and me. The man replied that Dennis was allowed to 'pet the dead cat', Simone burst out laughing; she asked when Maureen would leave. The man said about the first or beginning of September, and Simone said that she wondered if Dennis would actually do something then. The impression that all this (there was much more) gave me, was that Dennis wanted to get in touch with me again. Only: why didn't he just send me an email then? Did he hope that by walking by often, he would 'accidentally' bump into me? I found it very annoying, all that talk about me, the way in which and especially at my house: i literally couldn't get away from it. Plus: there was still no solution about who had performed that nasty piece of theatre at my house. And now this? Was this another game of Dennis? I felt powerless and awful about this.

It gave me the same feeling i once had when two neighbours were talking about me, also at the KletsKruising (which is not called that for nothing: 'kletsen' = 'to gab'), while i was hanging out the washing on the balcony (ALWAYS that washing!), and one of them asked if i wasn't a good match for him, who didn't think so, because i 'looked too much like his ex.' I did not know either of them.
Or recently, while i was busy in the kitchen, windows open because the weather was nice, and i heard my neighbor ask her son if he wanted me as his new girlfriend, because he suddenly came to visit her again (he: no... really not... really not!). And i thought: wtf i'm here too, i can hear this! As if that creepy guy decides whether or not that's going to happen. Urgh.
It's like being placed outside of things.
As if your input is not wanted.
That people are talking over your head.
It's just really weird and shitty to talk about someone like that, especially when that person is within earshot. And what earshot is, in my case, is pretty far (long story, never mind).


According to my notes, i posted an angry piece about the situation on my site on August 31st. I really had the idea that Dennis was staging something. Because any sane person wouldn't go to someone who NB had been harassed at her house and then go and talk about that person at that same house again? A day later, on Friday, September 1st, 2023, i took it down again. Later that day, around 6:30 PM, i heard all kinds of laughter and talking near my house. Someone said: "Are you going to Hannah now?" and then Dennis: "No, i can't go to her with a whole group of people." And yet another (one of the founders of Ene NB) made a joke about it, and i heard Dennis say that he would calmly... (i didn't hear the rest). They all laughed, they walked on, leaving me in a panic.
Why were they standing right at my house, when they already knew i could hear all that?
I wrote another piece, about bullying trauma (which was very much triggered by this stuff).

Early Saturday morning, around 6 or 7, i heard Simone on the KletsKruising say very loudly, angrily: "I don't know that either!" And Dennis, who said a few times something like "What is that, bullying trauma, bully trauma?" That confirmed that they did indeed read my website, and/or my Mastodon where i had placed a link to the piece.
That Saturday i heard several things at my house: a woman who said: "Imagine the chaos you've caused." At which Simone clearly burst out laughing. And later, another woman: "Oh, maybe it would never have come to anything anyway." And then Dennis: "Yeah, oh... who knows."
I had the feeling that something strange was going on. Who does something like that? A day later, on Sunday, i decided to send him an email:

I had the same nasty, powerless feeling as shortly after the theatrical piece at my house. I think he did it on purpose, with or without the knowledge of his friends and colleagues at Some. Because his reaction afterwards is at least as bizarre, or even more bizarre actually.

That same evening, it was around 23:30 when i went to bed, i had the light on in my bedroom for a while. I had a kind of green net curtain hanging at the time. When i turned off the light and dived into my bed, i suddenly heard a woman's voice, which i recognized immediately, because of what she shouted: "Moron green!". Then clearly Dennis' voice, which sounded angry and cynical: "Too bad, the light is just going out." Was he filming?
And then i suddenly remembered from a year before. This was exactly the same but now at the back of my house. I was flabbergasted. Why did he do this? It felt like he wanted to punish me for the fact that i had broken off contact a year before. Because if there was just a misunderstanding, he would have just emailed me back, explained what was going on and that he would like to see me again? Why this?

The next day things got even weirder, and above all more hateful.

21. monday september 4 around 15:00 hour.
I was sitting upstairs in my office behind the PC, heard a loud tap on a window downstairs (from the downstairs neighbors), then Dennis' voice:
“No, she lives upstairs.”
Then the same woman's voice as last night (moron green), shouting loudly upstairs:
“Oh, she’s upstairs! Haagselman! Yohooo!”
Dennis: “Don’t do that. I’ll get into trouble for it.” His voice seemed twisted with hatred.

My arms feel heavy and tired from typing, but even more so from the enormous tension i feel again as i write all this down. I've talked to a few people about it, and basically everyone agrees that his reaction is bizarre, and doesn't correspond to anything like an attempt at renewed friendship or anything like that. Everyone i've talked to said the same thing: if he had seriously wanted to hang out with you again, he would have just responded nicely, apologized, or said that he hadn't considered that it might be annoying for me, talking at my house - and then offered to meet up sometime.

An email came, a few days later. (yes yes the cliff of all cliffhangers but i am really tired now and need a drink or a long walk or both)

Deel 12: Who is the Stalker?

Wednesday september 6, Dennis responded by email:

Probably the very first thing you readers are thinking right now is:
“But Hannah, maybe you heard it all wrong after all?”
No, i didn't. And there's a lot more that i heard, that confirmed a lot of the previous. If there's one thing i've learned in these kinds of situations, it's that a lot of things you feel, think, hear or see are often confirmed in one way or another later. I have no idea how that works. It could be the combination of the autistic person's attentiveness, attention to detail and pattern recognition, which could even be reinforced if this autistic person has also been bullied a lot: you develop a kind of antenna's. Of course, those antennas can be wrong, and you always have to be careful with assumptions, and i'm always aware of that, i always take that into account. However, i have a huge pile of examples of how i thought i heard something, and said to myself: "Well, that can't be? That's too bizarre, isn't it?" and then a few days later, or an hour later, or even a minute later, i get confirmation that i did hear it correctly. By certain looks of understanding between people, or just a sign of discomfort, a remark, a fragment of a conversation or something that happens that you could not have known in any other way than by what you heard earlier, etcetera. Or just by how something continues of course. Many events also seem to follow a script, with many recognizable elements. So also now.

The brain compares everything you experience with what you experienced before, and that happens very quickly and generally without you noticing. And i can only speak for myself of course, i don't know how it is for other autistics or non-autistics, but i am (have become) aware of it. It is said that the autistic brain is wired differently, that signals in non-autistics eventually go over the larger beaten paths, and that autistics always and forever continue to take the smaller side roads, which results in better recognition, but unfortunately also more overstimulation and exhaustion. It is a blessing and a curse, so to speak.

I found this email really bizarre and it really shocked me.
And unfortunately also very recognizable, again. Turning things around, lying, pretending i'm crazy... it's not the first time someone does something like that. Gaslighting is a frequently used way to avoid responsibility, it happens a lot in bullying situations, intimidation stuff, in all kinds of transgressive behavior.
I was also completely flabbergasted for the umpteenth time. HOW can someone write something like that? I didn't walk past their houses talking about them? And then also threaten to call the police? WTF. This is really such a standard anti-stalking text. I had written one email, in response to their behavior at my house. According to everything i have neatly kept track of, it was the other way around. While i myself had not yet seen it as stalking, more as very annoying and disturbing that people were talking about me like that at my house.

I panicked again. I hadn’t done anything wrong, had i?
In the meantime, people came to the door a few times; they rang the doorbell, i opened my window upstairs because i hadn't arranged anything, and every time they said they were wrong, a bit of a curious, laughing look. I didn't know them, what was this? Was this because they were filming my house? That was also added to it, the fear that i was being doxed in some way. It all felt so incredibly unsafe.
Because suppose Dennis wasn't the one in the play. And suppose there were people around him who wanted to get on his good side, they could now go wild on me, and then? That was actually the first time i got scared of this situation. Scared in my house as well. That tap on the downstairs window with that nasty scream from someone i didn't even know a few days before... what the hell was going on?
To make matters worse, a few neighbours started gossiping that i was peeping at them or something, also very bizarre. Maybe it was because i had made many attempts to actually peep, but not at my neighbours but at the people of Some who talked past my house, whom i unfortunately could never catch: the disadvantage of small streets and living somewhere above. And then there were the 'normal' gossipers. The strangest things were attributed to me: i would be a 'whore' (their words, and nothing wrong with sex workers), i had thrown up in the street (...) and other strange things.
It was a very nasty shitty time. And so excessively bizarre, also that all those accusations were made without talking to me about it. No one ever asked me anything, or offered to talk about it. I did. Both with the gossips, and with Some, or Dennis for that matter. But no one wanted that.

After much brooding and sleepless nights i decided to call for help. There was something called a neighbourhood team, and they could mediate, so i thought it was worth a try, although i didn't expect much from it either. When i called, my hopes for a conversation were immediately dashed: they couldn't do anything, if Some had already refused to talk. I had to call the local police officer, who could give me tips. So i dutifully did that, although i had a bad feeling about it. I'm not that police-minded, so to speak... That also went very badly right away: i called, i got an administrative person on the line, who asked why i wanted an appointment. So i explained briefly, and they immediately wanted to know all kinds of names and such. WTF! I said that i didn't want to tell their names, that i only wanted a conversation with the local police officer, for tips on how to handle this situation, and that person got angry and curt. I would be called for an appointment. But of course they don't have time, so not according to agreement, that guy suddenly showed up at the door a few days later. He didn't want to come in, because of all sorts of reasons (he smelled really bad of fish... christ i was actually glad he didn't want to go up the stairs), and so i just had to tell my story on the street... The very first thing he said was that he thought it was a weird story, as if i made it up...
And then the police are your best friend? Actually i wanted to slam the door shut then, but i stood my ground, and at the end of the conversation he was a bit more understanding. That with the tips made no sense at all: i should not respond to anything. He couldn't do anything else either (of course i didn't expect that at all, i had only hoped for better tips!).
I should have called no one at all, it was just more hassle. I also felt very abandoned. Everyone is too busy, doesn't feel like it, doesn't have time, way too much effort, don't be so dramatic, leave it anyway and so on and so on. And so i just struggled on by myself again.

I posted some angry posts on my site, sometimes took them down again. I also posted the whole story up to that point on my site, of course without names. And maybe the local police officer was right about that, because then the whole thing exploded. Then again: why were the Somes allowed to do what they wanted, and not me? The Somes knew that i wrote my story on my site, and they liked that, and now that it was about them, it suddenly wasn't so nice anymore. Oh well. WTF.

A months-long period of mean things towards my person followed, all at my house. I have written everything down neatly, but i still find it incredibly annoying to have to open those files. Next week i will try again, today i just can't.

[to be continued]